Life’s not a highway, it’s a bloody queue
Who else is sick of queuing? It’s getting right on my wick now.
I know, I know, there’s a pandemic going on and I get it. I really do. But does it have to be quite so tedious?
There’s queues for everything now. EVERYTHING. Things that didn’t used to have queues are now the worst offenders. And I hear you, “it’s not part of their usual business model.” True. But you’d think by the way some of these people are behaving, that there was a closing down sale at Next.
For years, the men’s toilets have been a safe haven from queues. Women’s? Well, forget about it, that place is a natural bottle neck for some unknown reason. But the men’s, is nothing sacred anymore? I turned the corner of the toilets the other day and was met with a queue the size of a city centre McDonald’s after a night out. BUSY. I’m a ‘just in time’ pee-er, so such nonsense doesn’t bode well for me. Thankfully, I’m not a child, so I have full control over my bladder, but others might not be quite as lucky.
Even when I managed to get my place at the sacredness that was a shopping centre urinal, I was eye f***ed by what can only be described as an opportunist, peeping tom. Who proceeded to look down at my penis, then back up to my eyeline, over and over again. Now I don’t know what people know about the men’s toilets or how it works in the women’s, but there are strict rules on keeping your eyes intently fixed ahead of you and ahead of you only. The cheek of this fella. He was nodding up and down at my ‘gland’ more than that f***ing nodding dog from the Churchill insurance ads.
Get it together society. I understand it’s only a temporary thing but right now, life seems to be one big queue. And I’m at the bastard back of it.
Do you ever just wake up and feel a little bit out of sorts? A bit down? Like you want the world to swallow you up with one big gulp. Me too.
Sometimes, there might not be any reason at all for feeling this way, but that doesn’t make it any less shit. In fact, I’d go as far to say as this makes it somewhat worse. Instead of being able to pinpoint a reason for feeling this way, I’m left waiting, wondering and worrying about any perceived hidden meaning. At least if you know what’s getting you down, you can be rational about it. Accept it’s a shit situation and it’s normal to feel that way. But without this rationality, it’s much easier to descend into the darkness and begin to blame yourself.
This is the real reason why anxiety is an absolute pain in the arse. It feeds off this mindset, only serving to antagonise you even further.
I woke up this weekend feeling a bit out of sorts and I think I know why.
Everything right now, is so unpredictable. Plans can change in the blink of an eye or in this case, a change in weather. I won’t pretend we’re an international blog (just yet…), so I’ll write as if everyone knows that for the most part, you can only do outdoor things in the UK right now. A real shitter, when the climate is a f**ked as it is. Never has anyone ever been colder having a pint outside. It’s inhumane. All for a good cause, but inhumane all the same.
I think I’ve talked previously about how my OCD makes me regimented. I don’t deal well with change. Especially when it’s last minute. The last year has been a true nightmare for this. Usually, I take great solace from planning in advance activities, sports, social events etc. so that I know what I’m doing, when. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a maniac, I can deal with some spontaneity, but at the moment not only does that not exist — you have to plan your impromptu Friday night pint, three weeks in advance — to add to the stress, the weather dictates said f**king plans.
That’s exactly what happened this weekend. Plans down the shitter all because of the rain. I’ll admit, not only did it make me feel anxious, but it also made me feel like I was pent up with energy. I didn’t know what to do with myself and that made things worse, because I felt like I should be productive or busy with some sort of plans; but how could I be when the only options available are mostly outside? Sure, I could have gone shopping, but the rest of the planet had that idea…It would have been carnage.
I dislike my reliance on plans and the feeling it gives me to have them in place. I need to be able to be more flexible. More spontaneous. More adaptable to change. It’s one of the biproducts of my OCD that I truly struggle with. But how do you truly get used to change? My advice…You can’t be scared of it.
Change is actually good. It helps to keep us on the straight and narrow. If you weren’t constantly assessing your life and your choices, then you would just continue to coast for all eternity. No one truly likes it because it knocks us out of kilter. It forces us to habitually change. Something which is extremely hard for someone with OCD who relies on their rituals, routines, habits etc. to get by.
The last 12 months have forced me to be more accepting of the situations I find myself in. Naturally, life is just that more unpredictable right now and I’ve had to just get on board with that. It’s made me see that I need to be more accepting of change and rely less on plans to make me feel settled. Something I was practicing prior to the COVID-19 pandemic (and indeed throughout and into the beyond), is the notion of putting myself in uncomfortable decisions. Putting myself up for challenging situations at work. Making myself do things I might normally shy away from; all in a bid to be less reliant on the rigid structures, OCD and Orlando make me believe I rely on.
So sign me up for that skydive, I’m all in…
Sod that. I’m not a lunatic. One small thing at a time.
Bald Eagle
