Indecisiveness or the inability to make decisions?
When’s the last time you made a decision that truly impacted your life? Chances are, those decisions only come along only once in a blue moon. Life is what? 80% mundane decisions and 20% important / life changing?
Not for me. I couldn’t make a decision to save my life. Seriously, I’m f***ing shit at it. If someone held a gun to my head and said “do you want a takeaway tonight?” my brain would go into overdrive finding answers to everything but the question at hand.
Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration. But like a man stuck in a sweetshop with Willy Wonka — and let’s not get bogged down with how creepy that guy is — my brain suffers a sensory overload and it just cannot compute.
And my body’s reaction? Full meltdown. Anxiety. Nausea. None stop worry. I’m still trying to decide whether to post this or not. If you’re reading this, cheers to the boys for stepping in and taking it out of my hands.
Decisions to me, are not black and white. They’re f***ing rainbow coloured.
A good friend once told me about a time he caught a glimpse into what living with OCD must be like. He had to make a decision about taking a new job and moving to a new city and found himself at a crossroads. Every time he thought he’d made a decision…he found himself faced with ten more.
You see that’s what I see in my minds eye when I try to make a decision.
I’m confronted with a weird sort of mind map. In the middle, the simplest of decisions to make. However, sprouting out from that — like weeds snaring across my mind — is all the possible things that could go wrong. The more I stop and try to neutralise the weeds, the stronger the negative connotations of my decision, become.
Asides from always viewing things in a negative light, I’m also not the most confident man on the planet. That might not be a bad thing, as I’m sure it makes me more grounded. But throw me a f***ing bone. I’d like to make a definitive decision without then worrying if it’s the right one.
Indecisiveness is a common trait for OCD sufferers. As far as I can see, there’s really not all that much research around why. But I can definitely hazard a guess.
Many people suffering from OCD have an irrational fear of hurting others. In fact, some of the compulsions they do are directly linked to ensuring said person they’re worried about doesn’t get hurt. A common compulsion is checking a certain number of times. Anything outside of this number could potentially lead to said person suffering a horrific injury for example. I’ve been known to partake in such rituals. I’ll check something until I’ve counted to two hundred. I don’t know why, it’s just a nice f***ing number. Alright?
But to me — and let’s face it, I’m not exactly mentally stable — it makes perfect sense why someone with OCD might not be as decisive as others. Any decision they make could potentially affect someone else negatively or positively. So why would they take that risk?
They wouldn’t. And I won’t.
No advice on this one. I couldn’t decide on the best analogy. So you’ll have to make do without.
Now I best get off. I’ve been stood in the bread aisle in Tesco for the past thirty minutes. F***ing Warburtons and their ridiculous line of products. Send help. And butter.
Peace out.
Bald Eagle
