CAN I GO TO BED YET!?

It’s 11.45pm. I’ve been up since 7. I’ve probably had about five intrusive thoughts or worries throughout the day and yet there’s a big, hulking heavy bastard in my way…is the door locked?

Is it locked? Are the lights off? What about the radiators? Is the fridge shut, the freezer, the hobs off? Yes, yes and again, and yet, I’ve been staring at this pissing front door for nigh on five minutes; pushing the handle down, checking the lock and I’m still not convinced it’s secure.

I’ve been checking things for as long as I can remember. As a teenager, I’d set off on my bike to school, only to get half way before convincing myself that I’d left the front door unlocked. I’d turn back, be late for school, get a bollocking, but at least I’d have satisfied the urge to check and make sure it was locked.

I’d do the same after class. I’d be the last kid out the classroom as I tried my best to nonchalantly get on all fours and check the floor for anything I might have missed. I must have looked insane.

Checking is part and parcel of OCD. It’s the compulsive side of the dice. It’s almost like you’re possessed. A dark spirit that takes control of your body and puppeteers you into doing things in a certain way or something bad will happen. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU. It doesn’t but I’m not religious…

Common practice is to not take part in said compulsions, but many like me would rather do the checks and get some sort of peace than take the risk of something bad potentially happening. But that’s how it gets ya. The next night, the compulsion is stronger and before you know it, you’re locked in a constant battle of checking. Will I ever get to bed? F*** knows.

Bald Eagle.